Friendship isn't what it used to be

What does friendship mean to you?

To examine this question over time, I asked children in my family and circle of friends to find out whether age influences the answer. The younger the children were, the more likely the answer was

Someone who plays with me!

Isn’t that super simple? But somehow it doesn’t feel that simple any more. Because my answer to this question would be:

A relationship with someone I can trust, who is there for me, with whom I have fond memories and with whom I can communicate very well.

Wikipedia says:

Friendship refers to a relationship between people based on mutual affection, characterised by sympathy and trust.

translated from German

Finding someone like this takes time. Although it is possible to trust and feel affection for someone you don’t know, only time will tell whether this trust is justified and whether the affection will last. Trust is tested by sharing information. If this information is used negatively by the other person, trust is lost. The same applies to reliability. This also plays a role in trust. The more reliable a person is, the more trust I will build up towards them. This all sounds rather complicated and makes finding and maintaining friendships anything but easy. No wonder, children, who have less life experience, give a simpler answer here.

Adults define friendship with characteristics that are time-dependent. That is why children’s answers change with age. From teenage years onwards, I received answers very similar to the adult definition:

Someone I like, who spends time with me and who sticks by me!

This means that our experiences with people influence the way we define friendship for ourselves. Ultimately, the experiences we have define our personal values, and we use these values to evaluate the people in our social group or circle of friends.

Every person in our circle of friends is also gaining experiences, and in the rarest of cases, these experiences are exactly the same as ours. As a result, friends’ values can develop differently. This mix of values provides the opportunity to gain new perspectives on things, but also carries the risk of conflict. The more different the experiences are, the greater the difference in values and views can become. It can therefore become more difficult to reconcile these values. That’s why it is advisable to engage in continuous dialogue about these values so that this reconciliation remains stress-free for the relationship between friends. This leads me to believe that regular dialogue is beneficial and healthy for a healthy friendship. Every exchange provides an opportunity to share in the experiences of the other person and, if necessary, to adjust one’s own values. It also automatically strengthens the bond, as this exchange is also a shared experience that shapes one’s own values.

Now, these shared moments are easier to create during childhood than in adulthood. With the increase in responsibilities in life, friendships – which were still a matter of course in childhood – are deprioritised. ‘Short-term’ things such as work, money or even digital media quickly take over. Whereas as children we spent every day in a like-minded group at school, it is rarer to find such a group at work. Not everyone can afford to pursue an activity they enjoy or work with people they like. (Although from a psychological health perspective, I would strongly advocate that everyone find the best option for themselves.) As a result, the workplace is less likely to be a place where you can make friends and strengthen your friendships. That leaves almost only your free time for this. However, there are hobbies and other leisure activities that also do not provide much opportunity for forming strong friendships, not to mention that there are people who may not even have free time because their responsibilities for their own children or elderly relatives take up the rest of their time.

Our brains are therefore not really capable of consciously tracking long-term changes such as friendships. We then meet a friend we haven’t seen for years and are either shocked at how much the person or we have changed, or everything is as it used to be, and we can pick up where we left off. However, taking an inactive approach to this friendship will quickly lead to us losing touch again and the ‘gamble’ starting all over again the next time we meet.

Friends are important for our health. Currently, the WHO is repeatedly quoted as saying that loneliness is one of the greatest health risks in our society. Friends can definitely help here. This solution is nothing new. From clubs and personal ads to dating apps, there are countless ways to find new friends. But as has been pointed out, simply finding friends is not the only solution. First, these new contacts have to become real friends over time, and then they have to remain friends. This means you need to invest into the friendship – and I don’t mean money, but time. Whereas we used to see our friends every day at nursery or school and interacted with them as part of the system, today we have to actively organise this ourselves. Calling or texting friends is enough. Having a constant exchange is very helpful, no matter what form it takes. The more direct this exchange is, the stronger the bond can be built, because all communication goes beyond the actual words. Gestures and facial expressions also help to build trust. So, I would like to conclude with one more question:

When was the last time you played with a friend face to face?

Note: This is an anecdotal text and unfortunately is not based on any scientific sources. Friendsaver wants to help you become a better friend. These texts are intended to encourage you to rethink your behaviour and adjust it if necessary. We currently lack the resources to conduct scientific research or refer to scientific sources. If you are able to assist us in this regard, please contact us via Instagram or LinkedIn. We would like to create scientific knowledge articles for friends in the future. Thank you for reading.

About the author: Martin is the founder of Friendsaver. He is a software engineer with a master's degree in telematics and over 15 years of professional experience in software development. As a social introvert, he overthinks topics and doesn't stay in touch with his friends as much as he likes to.