Balance of friendships

Viewed in very basic terms, friendship is nothing more than a relationship involving recurring interactions between people, in which each participant gains something beneficial. If we accept this as the basis of all friendships – and I’m sure there will always be doubts or comments regarding this statement – what should the balance be between the benefits each participant receives, or is any comparison inappropriate here?

So let’s suppose that a friend of mine doesn’t have a car. Whenever we do something together as friends, I drive my car, and my friend gets to use it because of our friendship. At first glance, this would seem to be a very one-sided benefit. But if I can discuss my deepest problems with my friend during that time, I also gain something from it. Alternatively, my friend can, of course, introduce me to new social circles by taking me to parties or events. Or we can simply spend a relaxing and enjoyable time together, which I might not otherwise have in my everyday life. In any case, there are opportunities here for me to benefit from this relationship as well.

But let’s now assume that this friend only hangs out with me when we use my car to run errands for him. Does that put a strain on our relationship? At what point does the benefit I gain no longer outweigh the effort I put in? There are, of course, many factors at play here. If I actually enjoy driving, don’t see it as a chore, and would even do it on my own if necessary, could it be that I don’t feel at all as though I’m being ‘taken advantage of’? So the big question is, when does the interaction come to be described as ‘taking advantage’?

In the German Duden dictionary, the word ‘Ausnutzen’ (take advantage) is defined, on the one hand, as making the most of a situation, but on the other hand, it is associated with thoughtlessness. I think this is precisely the crux of the matter. If I maintain my relationship with my friend solely for the benefits it brings, rather than primarily for the person himself and the relationship I have with him, then it becomes thoughtless and the friendship is damaged. You don’t have to wonder every time you interact with a friend whether the balance has been upset just because you need a bit of help. However, I don’t think it’s out of place to do something with friends every now and then, just so you’ve spent time with them without expecting anything in return. That includes simply giving them a call or sending a message to ask how their day has been.

Note: This is an anecdotal text and unfortunately is not based on any scientific sources. Friendsaver wants to help you become a better friend. These texts are intended to encourage you to rethink your behaviour and adjust it if necessary. We currently lack the resources to conduct scientific research or refer to scientific sources. If you are able to assist us in this regard, please contact us via Instagram or LinkedIn. We would like to create scientific knowledge articles for friends in the future. Thank you for reading.

About the author: Martin is the founder of Friendsaver. He is a software engineer with a master's degree in telematics and over 15 years of professional experience in software development. As a social introvert, he overthinks topics and tends to ask less for help from friends than to help them out in any regard.